Should We Allow Failure? - September 4, 2008 -

Should we protect our children from experiencing failure? Should we work to ensure that they succeed at any endeavor? This issue is becoming more relevant as the competition for enrollment in good schools and high paying jobs have created pressure on parents and subsequently children to be successful all the time, to avoid failure at almost any cost. Talk to any high school guidance counselor or judicial officer at a major university and you will quickly discover the lengths individuals and their parents will go to in order to advert the potential of failure.

Of course we have seen the more ridiculous attempts to spare children the ego damaging experience of failure, including not keeping score at sporting events and not assigning grades for school. What we fail to often see is the more insidious efforts to advert failure made by parents. This is almost always attached to activities that are in some way attached to the childs future prospects of getting into a good college or positioning them for a good job. The amount of effort that will go into getting extra coaching, talking to and cajoling coaches and staff, talking to administrators in order to make sure their child is not removed from a team or is accepted to a team. The hours spent pushing a child to do homework or to study or even worse the amount of energy and effort a parent puts into the actual work itself is evidence of the mounting pressure parents feel to make sure that their child does not fail. The consequences of failure seem too great to overcome, hence the intense effort to avoid that failure.

But is this effort to avoid failure always helpful, is it always in the best interest of the child that we insulate them from this type of experience? I believe that the resounding answer is NO! Why, you may ask, if it is my power to keep my child from failing should I allow them to suffer the pain or difficulty of failure? Because there is much to be learned and gained from failing. This is a wonder built in teacher that nature provides to us all and we can use it or try to avoid it Much of how life works is discovered by experiencing failure, including school, work and relationships. Much could be written concerning the valuable lessons to be gained from failure.

We must also recognize that we cannot control the actions and attitudes of other people. Parents often are attempting get their children to take care of their responsibilities by pushing and assisting, but this can lead to a situation in which the only motivation is coming from mom or dad and not from the child. The older the child becomes the more dangerous this situation becomes. When our children become adults the cost of failure becomes far more significant than when they are children. You can conclude that it would have been far better to fail as a child and deal with the consequences than to have to recover from significant failure as an adult where recovery is far more difficult.

Does this mean that we should not help our children when they are struggling with something? Of course not, but what we must attempt to do is recognize that at times it will be important simply to allow our children to fail at something in order to grow accustomed to failure. Dont let your child win at a game every time, this is just not realistic. Allow them to win enough to be encouraged and want to try, but not every time. Should you allow your child to fail at something more important, such as a sports team, music or even school? Answer the following questions?

1. Have you provided all the support available to you and your child?
2. Have you made sure that their ability has been fully assessed and that any necessary accommodations are being provided (for physical or learning disabilities)?
3. Has the appropriate structure and discipline been applied?
4. Is the problem more motivational than any other issue?

If the answer to these questions is yes each time, then it may be advisable that you allow your child to fail, but only you can decide. The point of this article is to demonstrate that not only is failure OK, it can even be helpful in dealing with preparing our children for their futures. As Mickey Rooney said, you always pass failure on the way to success.

You can read a more thorough discussion of this topic at WWW.HOMEWORKKEEPER.COM and click on article, look for the title SHOULD WE ALLOW FAILURE? Troy L Parrish, MA LCPC is a therapist in private practice in the Columbia, Maryland area. He has been in practice for over 17 years and has significant clinical experience working with children who have either behavioral or attention problems. In his years of working with this population he has developed a system that helps parents and students organize, keep track of and maintain accountability for their homework. You can read more about this system at his web site http://www.homeworkkeeper.com/

The Failure Syndrome: Don’t Let It Infect You
When you mention failure, some people cringe, some cower and others twist their noses in a manner likely to suggest that failure is not their lot in life (and can never even dare come their way!). What sanctimonious pride!There have been hyped messages suggesting (even dragging it to the "fact" list) that failure is part of life. Some have even gon...

Forex Trading - Success Through Emotion Control
The majority of forex trading websites are happy to show you all the tools one needs for success in currency trading, however they often fail to mention the crucial impact of emotions. This certainly holds true for any financial activity where risk is involved, in fact forex trading is not that different to playing poker. If you approach forex trad...

Googles Miserable Failure Repaired
Lets face it, regardless of your political viewpoint, typing in miserable failure and seeing the whitehouse.gov official presidential web site of George W. Bush was simply funny. And for the hard card political oppositionist, typing in waffles and getting John Kerrys campaign page. However, from Googles viewpoint that was quite an embarrassment to...

So Why Aren’t You Successful?
During the last 5 years in speaking in front of thousands of individuals, I have always asked this question: "How many of you wish to be failures?" Surprisingly enough, no hands are raised. Then I have asked: "How many of you wish to be successful?" All hands are raised high. So, if success is something that everyone wants, then why isn't there...

Get Rid of Failure
Failure, failure! Everyday many people encounter and experience failure in their life. As long as man breathes, there are always failures that always accompany him whether he likes it or not. But the question is, how can we get rid of failure? What are the ways to make failure as stepping stone to succeed? And how can you make yourself not to be f...

Failure is the Fertilizer for Success
When should you throw in the towel on your professional dreams when time and time again your business ventures fail? When should you stop believing that the right guy is out there after years of searching? When do you give in to an addiction and decide it is stronger than you are after countless times in rehab? Never!Life is full of experiences, m...

Google Fixed Their Google Bomb Problem-Or Did They?
George W. Bush. Love him. Hate him. Few people are indifferent.Regardless of your feelings about the GOPs grandmaster of the most unpopular war since Vietnam, hes no longer a miserable failure at least, not according to Google. But I hear that MSN still has the president ranked highly according to that Google Bomb.Uhhh Whats A Google Bomb? Good q...